Just be yourself
How’s this for a new moon/new year resolution? Let go of your defenses and allow others to truly see and hear you.
Ya know, that simple, not-scary-at-all thing … being vulnerable?
And, by the way, have strong enough boundaries that how others respond to “the real you” doesn’t have any sway or power over you.
Vulnerability is described in Merriam Webster’s dictionary as “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.” It seems clear then why people, like
myself, would want to avoid this state of being.
The ole’ just be yourself advice, whose code I could never crack when I was feeling anxious,
comes to mind.
I’ve been working on this vulnerability thing for a long time. In certain situations, I have broken through and enjoyed the fruits of the work and progress and yet, in other scenarios I return to an older, frightened and frozen version of myself. Perhaps there are certain themes we work on for an entire
lifetime.
I know how important vulnerability is for genuine relationships and a fulfilling life, and that without it life may not progress in the way
I would like and, worse yet, I may feel eternally stuck and, yet, there is often a missing step or link between my desire to do something and actually doing it.
I have read some excellent essays about the importance of vulnerability that resonate deeply with me and I also know that I cannot simply turn a switch and change. Not that these writings suggest that, but it can be hard to know where to start with big concepts like vulnerability; we may read something that clicks and earnestly want to develop a trait or make a change, but how we actually do that is in what feels like an unknown realm, like the planet Camazotz from my
favorite childhood novel. Often, and sadly, the essays that spark something in me get buried in my pile of things I intend to come back and never do.
Do not underestimate the power of the mind/body connection
The good news: these big ideas can start, very simply, in the body. You don’t, necessarily, need to think about them; in fact, it is generally more helpful to start by turning off the mind (to the best of your ability) and feeling them. Kinesthetic learner that I am, I often need to experience something first in order to fully understand (embody) it. But even if you do not learn primarily through "doing,” as I do, do not underestimate the power
of the mind/body connection.
We need the integration of mind and body to thrive. You may understand a concept in the rational or logical sense, and you could analyze the “you know what” out of it, but it doesn't mean you truly know or understand that thing. Take the moon. I love writing whimsical essays about the current astrological moon sign and phase and how that “energy” may be affecting us here on earth; if you believe in the wisdom of the moon you, too, may glean insight from my
essays. But writing and reading about the moon and actually connecting with her are two very different things.
Recently, I headed out
for a late afternoon trail walk and on my way back, the bright lady lit up the now dark sky and was my guide for the remainder of the journey home. I paused, cold but happy, and locked gazes with Luna in her “full” phase. My entire being felt the presence of the full moon and was filled with an inspiration and gratitude I could never attain from simply analyzing her. It felt magical.
The mind-based and experiential selves are intrinsically connected but they are not the same. As Anodea Judith puts it, in my favorite book that blends Eastern Philosophy with Western Psychology, to “lose our connection with the body is to become spiritually
homeless.” My own father was actually homeless for the latter part of his declining life, and so this line strikes a very deep chord with me for multiple reasons. I know in every cell of my being that when we become disconnected from our bodies and, thus, our emotions, we are no longer fully living; we become like empty shells of ourselves, which is referred to as the Freeze State in Psychology.
So, how do we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, to feel and share raw emotion, to show our true selves, and risk being wounded, as the definition suggests?
